It Was a Normal Day on the Enterprise
by StargateNerd
Summary: Commander William Riker has dealt with some crazy things over the years, but this just about takes the cake. Err, lemon pie?


**A/N:** Idk if anyone remembers back in 2011/2012 I had a super cracky Star Trek TNG/DCMK crossover that got deleted during the 2012 Purge bc oh no, there was a swear word in the summary! Never mind that it could have been easily rectified by just asking me to change my summary and then waiting a day or two to make sure i got the message, no, just do it without warning! I'm still sore about it if you couldn't tell.

Anyway, I found the notebook I originally wrote the fic in and i was like "you know what i should do? i should repost this" SO I DID. Keep in mind this is not supposed to be taken seriously or anything.

* * *

It was a normal day on the Enterprise. Commander William Riker was on his way to the holodeck when he was greeted by the strangest sight.

"Get back here, you damn thief!" Wesley Crusher's voice shouted.

"Ha ha ha, gonna have to do better than that catch me, keibu-san!" Geordi LaForge cackled as he ran past the bewildered starship officer.

"KID," a rather familiar voice growled.

Riker watched Geordi rapidly pale as Deanna Troi cam around the corner, a rather sadistic smirk playing at her lips. And _damn_ , if that didn't make the half-Betazed look hotter than she usually did!

"T-tantei-kun," Geordi stuttered nervously as he came to a stop.

"Would you mind explaining," Deanna asked calmly, "why. The Hell. I am. A _woman_?" The last word was growled out, and Riker felt _extremely_ sorry for Geordi, and whatever he'd done to piss the Betazed off this much.

Wait. Rewind. Replay what she said. Pause.

 _What?_

"I honestly have no clue what happened!" Geordi exclaimed earnestly, backing up as Deanna advanced on him.

"I am going to find my shoes and belt," the woman started, deceptively calm. Both Geordi and the forgotten until now Wesley cringed at that. "Then, I am going to take a soccer ball and-"

 ***We interrupt this for a word from our sponsors***

Those wrinkles getting to you? Those crows' feet making you feel old? That hump in your back dragging you down? We can solve those problems for you lickety-split! With APTX-4869, you'll feel 10 years younger in no time!

 _Warning: Side effects may include sporadic fevers, extreme attraction to dead drop sexy gorgeous thieves, and death._

 ***We now return you to our regular broadcast***

"-so you'll have to (insert profanity) sideways!"

Geordi and Wesley were both cowering before the enraged half-Betazed, and if Riker didn't outrank all of them, he'd be cowering too!

"Kuroba!" Worf roared, running down the hall and tackling Geordi. "Undo whatever you did and gets us back to our own time – reality – _whatever_ – now!"

Geordi then performed an extraordinary feat of gymnastics. He escaped Worf's grasp by performing a handstand, then pushed himself into a flip, jumped in a crouch on the Wesley boy's head, then attempted to run past Deanna.

"Attempted" because Ensign Ro turned up and kicked him in the crotch when he got close enough.

"Hattori, what was _that_ for?" Deanna turned to the other woman, a disapproving frown on her face.

"I just felt like it," Ro shrugged, causing sweatdrops all around as Geordi roll around on the floor in pain.

"This is why people call you hot-blooded," Deanna informed Ro, who proceeded to cough something that sounded suspiciously like "shrunken detective".

Geordi recovered from his pain-induced stupor long enough to cheer, "Cat fight!" as Deanna and Ro wrestled, each failing to gain the upper hand.

"DIE, KID!" O'Brien, the transporter chief, showed up, and started to shoot randomly as he cackled. He only hit Wesley, though. He then found himself victim of a dogpile as Worf, Ro, and Deanna all jumped on him.

Geordi was gingerly recovering from Ro's vicious attack. As he rubbed as a sore leg, he suddenly cheered. "Hey, look what I found!"

The others turned from their dogpile on the unfortunate O'Brien to look at what the blind engineer was holding aloft.

 _A transporter crystal?_ Riker thought, confused. _Why are they so worked up over that?_

"Thank God!" Ro exclaimed, jumping off of O'Brien. "I'm so happy, I could kiss Hakuba!"

"Don't," Worf growled, his grip on O'Brien tightening, causing the transporter chief to hiss in pain.

"Don't even think about it, tantei-han," Geordi warned him. "I'm taken!"

"Yeah, you're married to your work," Deanna scoffed as she stood up.

Ro then proceeded to grab and heavily make-out with the Betazed, who was attempting to kick her way out of it.

The others gaped, including Riker, until he thought, _Hey, wait a sec; that's my girlfriend!_

"Gods _damn_ it Hattori!" Deanna shrieked, slapping Ro hard enough that she left a red mark. Geordi and Worf winced sympathetically. "Could you keep it in your pants for, I dunno, _10 minutes?_ "

"Come on tantei-kun, let's just get back to our own time and forget all about tantei-han," Geordi soothed. He "meep"ed when Deanna turned her glare on him.

"And _you_. What have I told you about playing around with supernatural jewels you know nothing about?"

"Not to?" Worf deadpanned.

"Stay out of this," Deanna hissed.

The Klingon looked appropriately cowed.

"Now," Deanna said. 'You," she pointed at Geordi, "will get us back to our own time. You," she pointed at Worf, "will take care of Nakamori-keibu. And _you_ -" She glared at Ro. "You will take care of Snake, and will not attempt to fondle, grope, or otherwise flirt with me. It was amusing the first time Hattori, but one of these times I will shout loud enough for Ran to hear."

Ro paled at that, nodding as she grabbed hold of an uncharacteristically silent O'Brien.

"Now, let's go." Deanna looked quite pleased with herself.

There was a bright light, and the sound of a confused audience. When all was said and done, the six were still there.

"Uh, what happened?" Geordi asked, rubbing at his calves. "I feel like I just ran a marathon!"

"That was quite a satisfying endeavor," Deanna nodded to herself. She then noticed Riker, who was looking on with ill-disguised amazement. "Will! I'm absolutely _famished_! I could really go for some lemon pie; what do you say?"

"So long as you explain to me what just happened," the Commander promised.

As they walked away arm in arm, Riker heard Worf exclaim: "Ensign Ro! Did you just touch my butt?"


End file.
